Sh!t My Tarot Cards Say: Major Arcana Edition

What if the cards *really* want to talk back to you?

I sometimes have deep and meaningful conversations with my tarot deck that I carry with me every where. A lot of times, I've often received weird looks from strangers.  Then I turn around and say "Wanna join in the conversation?"  I know...I'm a horrible witch. 

The purpose of this article is to help others understand the general meanings of the cards in a humorous manner.  Actually, more like sharing my own thoughts when my cards speak to me. But you get the pun intended.

For this edition, I'll be starting off the Major Arcana which is comprised from the Fool to the World. Believe me, there are no major secrets when it came to the big shots.  

THE FOOL: It's such a lovely day to take in the scenery! Perhaps I should go bungee jumping? Or should I wait for my dog to finish peeing?

THE MAGICIAN: For $9.99, you'll get all of this in the table plus a chance to see me perform my greatest trick - making your wallet disappear! 

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: Oh, you think I'm hiding something? Nah bruh, it's all in your head...or is there?

THE EMPRESS: *singing* I'm every woman, It's all in meeeeeee, anything you want done baby, I can do it naturally.

THE EMPEROR: My wife needs to stop singing. Also, why do I feel constipated? Ugh, why can't you behave!

THE HIEROPHANT:   Now child, remember I told you - the peanut butter always gets mixed with the jelly. Please don't tell me otherwise, or that your friend says that it tastes better without jelly. That's preposterous!

THE LOVERS: *unfortunately, Adam and Eve are having an argument because they can't figure out why they're naked in the first place*

THE CHARIOT: Good grief, should I go for a chicken sandwich or a hamburger? WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD?

STRENGTH: That's a good kitty. Mama needs to make sure that you don't do anything rash! Here, feed from my hand. And people say that you're such a mean kitty...nonsense! You just needed some love, dear. 

THE HERMIT: I better stay away from society for a bit.  Also, my back hurts and I wonder if this lamp will help burn the population below me. 

WHEEL OF FORTUNE: You spin me right round, baby.

JUSTICE: THOU SHALL NOT PASS! Also, you need to pay your parking ticket.  

THE HANGED MAN: If everything below is above, then what if the above is below? Also, why does my head hurt?

DEATH: Nothing to see here. Just doing my job. Don't mind the trail of bodies behind my horse. Don't fear the reaper, folks.

TEMPERANCE: I just need to keep fixing the ratio between wine and water. How the hell did Jesus do this?

THE DEVIL: There's a reason why I invented YOLO in the first place....hehe

THE TOWER: *someone decided to place a cherry bomb in the toilet and everyone ended up going to a different floor to use the bathroom*

THE STAR: If I stare at the water long enough, I'll morph into Mulan.  *10 seconds later, starts to sing* WHEN WILL MY REFLECTION SHOW WHO I AM INSIDE??

THE MOON: You can keep barking at me boys, but you ain't getting my attention. This sista is gonna need her beauty sleep. Also FYI, I'm taken. Oh, and I'm on my period.


JUDGEMENT: When I repent, you repent, just like this. Now don't make me smack you with my horn! 

THE WORLD: Hooray! I FINALLY beat that long ass game and that stupid boss. Now I can go....oh wait, you're asking me to replay the game again for another million dollars? Sure, why the hell not?

Hope you guys enjoy this fun piece! Let me know in the comments on what you think the Major Arcana cards are saying to you. And if you wanna connect with the cards in a deeper level with me, let's make some magic